Well-written dialogue can add texture and realism to your story. It helps readers learn more about the characters and puts them in the middle of the action. However, poor dialogue can make your manuscript groan rather than sing. The humble speech tag or dialogue tag (e.g. he said) is often the difference.
Consider the following exchange:
‘I’m hungry,’ Angelina announced.
‘Let’s get some lunch,’ Brad replied.
‘Where do you want to go?’ Angelina questioned.
‘How about over there?’ Brad responded.
‘I hope they have gluten-free,’ Angelina worried.
‘Only one way to find out,’ Brad remarked.
You’ll be happy to know this is not an extract from my novel. There are at least three problems with it.
- The author is trying to vary the writing by using words other than 'said'. As a general rule, variety’s a good thing. However, the words in this example draw attention to themselves rather than the dialogue.
- By using a speech tag after each statement or question, it sounds telegraphic and detracts from the natural flow of the conversation.
- While the use of 'worried' in the fifth line shows what Angelina was feeling, it does not denote speech.
Solution
Now consider this revision:
Angelina’s stomach growled. ‘I’m hungry.’
‘Let’s get some lunch,’ Brad said.
‘Where do you want to go?’
Brad pointed to the café across the road. ‘How about over there?’
‘I hope they have gluten-free,’ Angelina said as she wrung her hands.
‘Only one way to find out.’
This passage may not win a Pulitzer Prize, but it’s an improvement. Here are some reasons why.
- As 'said' is a more common and neutral word, it doesn’t detract from the dialogue. Sometimes it’s appropriate to use a more specific term (e.g. yelled, whispered, stammered), but don’t overdo it.
- Deleting the dialogue tags from some lines aids the flow and makes it sound more like a conversation. In a two-person speech, it’s usually easy to tell who’s speaking, so you only need to remind the reader now and again.
- The inclusion of actions (e.g. 'Brad pointed to the café') shows us who is speaking and what is happening rather than telling us.
- Replacing 'Angelina worried' with 'Angelina said as she wrung her hands' gets rid of the inaccurate speech word (worried) while also showing us what she is feeling. If I fleshed out this scene a bit more, I would try to think of a better way of depicting worry, but it illustrates a point. Wherever possible, show rather than tell.
Why not look back at one of your manuscripts and see if you can add more spark to your dialogue. Alternatively, finish the conversation I started above. I can’t wait to hear if Angelina got that gluten-free treat.
Comments read 4 comments
Hi Nola
I do hope Angela gets that gluten-free treat. It can be hit and miss sometimes.
Great job in explaining why we should stick to said, cut out unneeded speech tags and adding action tags as needed. The second sample reads much better than the first. I love action tags as they can flesh out the scene and reveal things about the characters.
Here’s my take:
Angela salivated at the delicious pastries, slices and cakes arrayed in the glass display cabinet.
'Do you have gluten free?' She gave a half-smile.
The young sales assistant pursed her lips. 'Gluten-free? Uh....let me find out.'
She disappeared out the back of the shop. Behind her Brad tapped the glass dome of the display cabinet with his knuckles and hummed a tune. Angela shifted her weight from one foot to another. The line grew.
The sales assistant reappeared. She pointed with long nails coated in dark purple nail polish at a small slab hiding at the back of the cabinet. 'We have the orange and almond cake.'
Angela's shoulders slumped. 'I see.'
'Maybe we should go somewhere else,' Brad said.
She looked at the curled, dried edges of the cake and gulped. Not again. 'That's okay. Orange and almond it is.’
That's great Jenny. Thanks for that. Much better than my version. And I can feel Angelina's pain. I'm gluten-free, but am also allergic to oranges, and orange and almond cake is the most common GF. Fortunately Toowoomba has lots of great cafes that carry a better range. Thanks for giving a great example of how to use action and description. Certainly makes it a lot better. Thanks too for responding, replying, commenting ...
Hi Nola
I'm allergic to wheat and bananas (and ginger) - so it can be quite a challenge finding something to eat at times. I do like Orange and Almond but as you say it's often the only option and one can definitely have too much of a good thing.
I'm glad you liked my example. I can already see things I could improve lol but it was fun to write :)
Wow, you're the second person I know who can't eat bananas. Does make it difficult. There are some great cafes in Toowoomba that have a good range of GF. You'll have to come up and visit again. And thanks again for such a good example. I need to practise those too.
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